I am exactly where I am meant to be - in grief and in life. I am healing, I am rediscovering myself, and I am continuing on. I am gentle with myself in this process. He is always a presence in my heart, a bright spot in my mind, a guide in everyday life. The love we shared is the love that will carry me through. I hold on to the love and let the grief go. I focus on my blessings and my memories and know there will be more. I believe in the future, a good future. The world is a colorful, beautiful place. There are still so many people to meet, new friends to be made. There’s more to learn than I’ll ever know, so much mystery to wonder about. I will miss and love him forever and still be able to live a good life. I will honor the love more than the loss.
My husband died. He had open heart surgery on October 23, 2019. They replaced two valves, did an ablation, two bypasses and an adjunction. 11 hours. He survived. He was doing so well – at the end of her shift on November 10, his CT-ICU nurse said she would be back in 2 days and would hunt him down on the regular floor because she was sure he would be out of the CT-ICU. On November 11, he died.
I never knew it would be this hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever done – and there has been a lot of hard shit. I work everyday on this grief. The piece above is a compilation of affirmations that I have been using for the last month. I found them online in various places and pulled together what was meaningful for me, rewriting them to fit. I read it as a poem everyday. It comforts me.
Whispers & Glimpses 